Hello there, Welcome back to my blog! I understand that I haven't been posting much as I used to but I am back with another post and catching up! Going to keep it short and sweet! Enjoy the read!

I have been mentally and physically attacked but mainly mentally. As many of you do not know, is that I've had a mild case of depression for over a year now.

Going to school is one of the main obstacles you need to go through to get on with life. There will always be good times and bad times. There are a lot of memories I really just don't what to remember but they will always remind me that I am strong and was able to get through them. One of those memories was me getting bullied for hanging out with the kids who were either physically or mentally challenged. I don't blame them for not being perfect but you don't let that stop you from enjoying what you have going forward. There were also those instances where the teacher would say partner up with 1 or a few other people to do a particular project. Like myself, I would go with someone who was left out or haven't gotten a partner. Again why? this is because most people often choose their friends but on the other hand, I am always willing to work with everyone and anyone even if I had to do all the work or none at all. There was a tone of instances in gym class whether it's playing a sport for fun or learning a drill etc, there will always be the one kid who would pick on me. A great example was this time during gym class, we were playing dodgeball. I got hit in the hand and they thought I was one of those cheaters where I assume that I never got hit but I knew I did. He shouted "Hey Chink, sit down you got hit." "Shut the fuck up" I responded. "He swore [Teachers name]" The teacher himself got involved and told him to not be using that kind of language in his class. At the end of the gym class, a classmate who has his locker a row from mine had said that I wanted to fight him just cuz I called him out? People like to assume that but I don't let that bother me. I was just defending myself not really.

The story that was left untold

I have said in one of my old posts but I will say it again for new readers, is that I am a slow learner. It takes me longer to process things through. I hate when the heat is pushed onto me rather than helping me out and teaching me to step by step until I can do it alone. I’m not always up to date with people/things in this era. I understand if it frustrates you but that’s how I am. I like when people say I’m smart, it keeps me going. But on the inside, it kills me because I have to keep up with the reputation I’ve left. I just want to be accepted as I am rather than be forced to be someone I’m not. I don’t want this to be used against me even though it always happens. I just want to be accepted as the weaker one but also know that I’m strong enough to fight my own battle. I feel like I lack creativity some days and then go through inspiration from photos and make another version of it as it was my own my idea. Sometimes I feel like others are doing my work for me rather than me doing it alone. I always love seeing good ideas but being able to execute it is another story. I did art because I lacked other skills but it is normal for all humans. I may be not the best artist but it’s good enough even just for a few people to be impressed with. I even get told to not be too negative about myself but sometimes it feels like I need to get my story out there so it’s easier for everyone to understand my feelings. Sometimes I feel like I support my friends, family or strangers in whatever they do in life but there are times where I want to be told too so I know that I am appreciated rather than just know that there are people supporting me back.

Growing/Improving as a photographer

As a photographer, I would like to learn to get creative with the photos I take. Whether it’s using a prop or just improvising, I still want to improve and understand how people can pull it off as I’ve seen all over the internet. I am not going to lie, I want to learn how to shoot in Manual mode. I don’t care if I was supposed to learn that once I picked up a camera but it does annoy me when I get told to use manual. If I don’t like or just don’t know how to use manual mode, why force it? Of course, I will learn but that will take time. I also want to be a storyteller where I can bring a photo to life by just telling a story. Posts like Humans of NY always inspire me to get either my story or someone else's story out there. I’ve always asked where do I want to go with photography. Well, I don’t really know but I like to explore. I know that’s there is boudoir, weddings, events, portraits, landscape and many other styles. Another problem I kind of came across is choosing a camera. I went with a Nikon D3300 because it was calling my name when I saw it but everyone always tells me to go for Canon. I understand opinions may vary but that’s how I approached my first camera. Maybe, in the long run, I will switch to any other camera out there but who knows. I shouldn’t be told what to do if it doesn’t make me happy but there are always options to choose from when the time is right.

The Year-End Statement

2018, I can say was one of the worst years I have had. Struggles to find the answers to the questions that have been left unanswered from the previous year but I have been growing day by day to find the answers to all those questions and solutions. I'm still learning how to clear the gutter by telling others what and how I am feeling in the new year and so forth. I have also felt like I was out of place year around but I will hope that it will change. I felt like overthinking killed me this whole year but I will learn how to overcome this.

I have decided to finally set an actual goal that I can really achieve and get them done so I can have a better year than I did in 2018. I want to learn how to care less about what others think of me and work on improving myself rather than depending on others to always be there. I want to start talking to the friends that I no longer or used to speak to. I want to go see the world more as an individual and share the moments within each photo taken edited or raw. I am thinking of picking up blogging again as I have left it without clearing the air and fully picking it up again with sharing all my thoughts and feelings to everyone reading. I have told a few people that I want to learn how to be more vocal with others rather than just sitting there and observing. I am willing to change for myself rather than what others want me to be. I did realize when others tell me how to live my life, the end result doesn't add up to what they really wanted to be. So now I want a group of friends where I am able to clique and vibe well with and also be able to open up to them about my feelings rather than hiding behind a screen. As I get older, I learn more and more about being an adult. I've observed over the months of living at home is that I need to step up and speak up for myself and be able to defend the right person as some people will think that their thoughts override yours.

In all seriousness, I think I just have to let loose about all my thoughts and feelings. 2019 is going to be a new year with plenty of obstacles that will challenge me to be a stronger and better individual. The one quote that helped me throughout 2018 and going to bring into 2019 is "One step, one punch, one round at a time" quote from Creed when Michael B. Jordan begins with Sylvester Stallone on the journey to becoming a better boxer! Happy New Year and hoping that there will be more posts from me but if not I will see you when I do post!

My Thoughts over time

Something I've Noticed

I've changed like changed a bit. I used to get in other peoples way just to check on how they were doing and if they ever needed someone to talk to. But now I act like they are fine and living their own life. It started to bother me when a friend told me that. I told them well I'm not worried and curious to be in their life. I mean should I really bother talking to you or should I ignore you?


-Sometimes I feel like I am there but not really at the same time. I used to remember the fact that helped all my friends get through the day by talking to them and helping them the best I possibly can. I honestly want to know they haven't done the same. But honestly, I don't mind it since I'm just being a good friend. I also noticed the fact that my personality is better as it is behind the screen than it is face to face. I'm still learning how to let my thoughts out and expressing it.

Looking For Answers
How do I change? Is the question I always ask. How can I learn how to accept a friend without having feelings for them? How do I accept you for who you are without falling in love behind a screen? How can I hide the fact I like you without you knowing? How do I know how you're feeling about me? Am I going to be hurt after knowing I let my heart out? Is your friendship going be for the better or for the worst? Can I even live with that fact I actually told you how I felt? Is it going to be awkward when we talk face to face? Can I learn something from this and move on? These thoughts bother me on a daily basis. It scares me to even talk to you about it. Face to face. I always think of this as taking a photo. Will the picture connect with how you're feeling or what you see that others don't in the image or is it how your style of editing is different than mine? Another thing is where and when the picture was taken. Is it in the dark/sunset? Who knows. Just remember at the end of the day your goal is to have a connection with others around you.

Just Clearing The Air

I am getting tired of how to someone can make your life so miserable. I can't even come home after having a good time with my friend to making either my life or my mom's life so horrible. You must enjoy being a boss around here. You are the NUMBER 1 reason  as to why I hate you so much. You complain about how my mom takes her time to cook you delicious food and you just sit there and complain complain complain. We all know you don't always get what you expect in life but it seems like you always do. I can never eat in peace without you complaining how the food tastes like garbage. Like FUCKING GROW UP,  if something can't meet your needs then why to bother someone else with them. Just cook your own food. But you can't because you don't know how. You always yell at me for not learning how to cook but I knew it was your excuse to get away with anything. Same thing when I help you at the store. You tell me to fix something but why not fix it yourself? BECAUSE YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW HOW TO DO IT. That's what I am coming to from now on. To me, you are not even my dad. I left my differences I had with you and you still treat me like a SHIT HOLE. Instead of doing it yourself, you always ask others to do it. Every time you open your mouth, it really stresses me out because I know you will blame others for your doing. I don't care how small or big the situation is but you always find something. The only decision I made since I moved back to Edmonton was: What the hell are you going to provide to me to make me move back into the same house with you? Exactly nothing. You said you changed? Well, you did. You became more strict of a person than you were while being selfish. I still wish I never came back Edmonton because of you. You make my life so horrible that I don't even see you as my dad. You will never understand how much I hate your guts. I can say the same thing over and over about you and you will never change. The one thing I have learned in life is to hold back my actions and just let it go. But I can't because you are hurting the people I love like my mom. Even as your wife you treat her more like a slave then your wife. To me I start to see you as my mom's third child. You act like any young toddler. Immature and always complaining about life. Another lesson I have learned in life is to never talk about someone you don't want others to have a bad perspective on them. For one it ruins your reputation but also theirs. But I'm getting sick and tired of holding it in that I have to tell the world to know what kind of father I have and not the father I did wish I had.

I just really don't want to be around him anymore. I want him gone and out of my life. Whenever I have an argument with my dad, he will make sure 100% of the time that you don't argue back at him

Day 223: A little message

From this point on I feel like I am going to stop with the 365 Challenge since I know it is hard to stay committed to it but I had a good 223 days of letting all my readers know and learn more about me. I will still do the challenges but all on different days. I made it over half way through the year catching up with all these posts. I'm sorry to those who keep coming by to read my posts daily, weekly or even just come by for a monthly read. Do something to get out of your shadow. Be the light to another persons life!

Day 222: Bad habits of yours.

I tend to do my laundry but I don't tend to fold them for a while.

Day 221: What are you craving right now?

I have a craving for cookies, and ice cream at this moment.

Day 220: A picture that you've taken that you were proud of

To Find more of these pics you can check out http://vsco.co/jamatosaurex or https://www.flickr.com/gp/132671991@N02/1oP0X7